Saying Goodbye . . .

I remember writng a similar blog about this very topic when Dallas was 15 months old. Just thinking of what I want to say brings so many tears to my eyes. But here goes....

On Friday June 19th I nursed Phoebe for the last time. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were in my chair and it was close to naptime. Dallas was in the chair with us and I started to nurse Phoebe. Dallas glanced over at Phoebe nursing and asked if she was getting juice this time. I said no, only milk comes from mama. We continued to sit there and we all enjoyed a peaceful moment. Phoebe was nursing and Dallas was just sitting in the chair quietly which rarely happens. I didn't really think much about it because over the last 16 months I have had several moments like this. Each of them special in their own way and something that I was so used to and wasn't ready to see end.

We went about our day like normal. At bedtime I took Phoebe to my room to nurse her before she went to sleep. This was part of our everyday routine and she and I would lay on my bed and cuddle. She didn't want to nurse so I just put her in bed thinking it must have been a fluke and she just feeling a bit off. I figured she would just nurse when she woke at ten because she was my faithful nurser, nursing every two hours all night long. Well, much to my surprise she didn't want to nurse that night. Or anytime since.

I spent the next days trying to figure out why she stopped. I was looking for anything to distract me from the truth that she was growing up and our nursing relationship was over. I pumped for days and continued to offer her my breast. She would try to get out of my lap when I tried to lift my shirt. After a few days I didn't offer it to her anymore and she didn't notice that what we shared was gone.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't sad, I was heartbroken. The funny thing is I had been dreading trying to figure out how I was going to end this bad habit but for the time being I was just enjoying are all night nurse fests. I had it in my mind that once we moved to AZ I would work on this transition but until then I wasn't going to break what was clearly working for me to get her back to sleep. I figured she would need that comfort from me through all our changes but what I didn't realize is that I needed that comfort just as much. She was giving me more from our nursing time and I was so very sad to see it end.

Thank you Phoebe for sharing an amazing 16 month nursing relationship with me. I know you won't remember all the moments that were shared between us but they are etched into my heart. I remember the first time I put you to my breast with such joy and I remember the last. I know you didn't end this according to my schedule but you did it on yours. I shouldn't be surprised because that is how you do things. You are your own person and it is one of the things that I love best about you.